Category: The Journey After

Take away the solid gray hair and the beard and it was me. I was looking at a reflection of myself.

He caught my eye as we stood for worship; an older gentleman who stood across the sanctuary. I watched him as we sang observing his stance and his mannerisms. He stood obediently when asked although his shoulders were squared as if ready to employ defenses when needed. His arms remained either crossed or fingers locked in front to ensure little chance of being taken off guard. His look was not one of displeasure. It was simply emotionless. He did not sing as others sang. He just stared ahead watching the musicians.

There, standing in his shoes, was me.  I understood that stance.  Years ago I would have interpreted it as apathy or disrespect but today I saw it for what it was – distrust. As I watched him I knew in my heart I was watching myself worship.  I immediately wondered what his eyes had seen and his heart had felt to bring him to this stance on worship.  He didn’t stand as one who didn’t want to be there or one who didn’t know the Heavenly Father.  He stood as one who had once held great faith but lost it.  I wanted to ask him why? What had broken his faith? How long had it been? And did he have a plan for getting it back?

I did not ask, though, because I knew he had no answers. If he held the answers his stance would look different. His expression would be filled with emotion. The defenses would have been let down.

The irony of it all was this was not church. It was a concert. I had resolved a few weeks back that church no longer fit in my world. It is the only aspect of my life that I have not been able to take control over or move forward in. So I have taken the coward way out and quit going. God, however, is still finding ways to speak to me. This time it was through free tickets to a Keith and Kristyn Getty concert. We had gone to their Christmas concert a few years back. I’m not much of a concert person but that night was great fun – highly energetic music, Irish dancing, and talented musicians. I went to Saturday’s concert not for the worship but to relive a good memory.

But as I reflect on this most recent concert all I see is the gray haired man and his emotionless response to worship. It brings me back to my own plight to run from church, which in reality is to run from God. What are you doing, Sharon? I have spent the day reflecting on how I got here. How has church and worship lost its meaning? How have I managed to push God so far away? I know the answer to this. I know how I got here. It is one expectation, one disappointment, one unanswered question after another. They pile up until all you see is anger and bitterness. My coping mechanism was to shut off that which caused the tension. And it worked, sort of, no, not at all. I know I cannot stay here, in this spiritual state. I must find a way to forgive, to trust, God, myself and others. Otherwise, I become the gray haired man who once had great faith and now stands emotionless in worship. Please, Lord, do not let that be me.

I recently read an article titled “Jesus I don’t Want to go to Church Anymore.” The author who apparently is a long-time, active member of her church talked of her now personal struggle in attending. She described the complacency she feels and her desire for more. It immediately caught my attention because this is where I am at. I gather it is where many of us are at because that particular article had over 5,000 Facebook shares.

As I read, I searched for a solution. There was none. She concluded with the idea that her and her family would go to church no matter what because it is the right thing to do. GREAT! But …. how is that helpful to anyone? Where is a solution? Where is something that will help? That article did not provide a solution but it did set me in search of one for my own similar struggle.

The struggle is real. Sometimes I think I can’t do it anymore; church, that is. I long for something different. I long for something that will take away the pain and bring healing. Church, isn’t that where healing is supposed to come from? Why, oh why, is it the most difficult place for me to be? Why do I so often want to run frantically, crying from the building? (Which I have, in fact, done twice in the past year. Once as recently as this month). Where is healing if not within the walls of the church?

This writing though, as I assume is true of hers, isn’t truly about the church. It is about a girl who hurts – deeply. One who cannot seem to overcome the feelings of sadness and guilt and as a result is experiencing deep, broken fellowship with God. A brokenness that is being oxygenated and allowed to burn hotter each Sunday morning.

I see this same brokenness in the Psalms of David:

“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death” (‭Psalm‬ ‭13‬:‭1-3 NIV)

David, a man after God’s own heart, pours out his anguish in multiple Psalms. Like David, my greatest need is God. The issues with church are a reflection of my Spiritual drought. I am struggling. I open my Bible to words void of meaning. I go to bed Saturday night anxious about church on Sunday trying to come up with an excuse not to go that my kids won’t see through. Because to drag them into my Spiritual void would be an even greater wrong than the facade I have constructed.

Church was the place that I always belonged. We were there every time the doors were opened: serving, teaching and praying. It was more than a building for me. It was my purpose.

And somehow down the line it has become the exact opposite. The thought of going makes me weary. I begin planning on Monday what my excuse will be for the following Sunday; constantly wrestling with how I could not go but still teach my kids its importance? The answer is “I can’t”. So I keep going. And each week as my sense of duty increases my desire to be there lessens. The wall around my heart becomes denser. The Scripture becomes void of meaning and the songs lose their fervor. It is a dangerous place to be in and I cannot figure out how to reverse it.

What is wrong with your church? You might ask. Other than the fact that they keep allowing me to attend without contributing anything, nothing. It is filled with people who care about us, who pray for us and who have supported us. The problem is not with my church. It is with me. It is Spiritual. It is between me and God. I have pushed Him to the outskirts. And church is where the struggle is most strongly felt. When I enter the church I enter His playing field. He gets the upper hand for those moments which causes my flight mechanism to kick in. I’m tired of smiling. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of answering “I’m fine.” But is the fact that I don’t answer honestly the fault of the church?

How I have lost touch with God, I do not know. But to run from church will not bring Him closer.

I look to the Psalms and to David. He talks in later chapters about restoration and God as His rock. David goes from deep anguish to restoration in a matter of verses. How did he get there? Where is the solution? And then I find it in verses such as this:

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.” (Psalm‬ ‭13‬:‭5-6‬ NIV)

Faith, trust, remembering that God is good, these are the solution. I should go to church because it is the right thing to do. But more importantly I should go because somewhere within those walls, there is healing. Healing I desperately want to find. Healing I cannot accomplish on my own.

Reading the Psalms does not provide instant healing. Acknowledging that trust and faith will one day get me there does not make this Sunday any easier. But it provides hope for a brighter tomorrow. Until God’s work is complete in me, I will cling desperately to the feet of Jesus begging Him not to let go of me.

“Lord, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God. Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior. ” (‭Psalm‬ ‭38‬:‭21-22‬ NIV)

It can all be summed up with Dora the Explorer.

She came running in the bathroom this morning. “Mom! MOM! Look I found my Dora the Explorer microphone in one of the boxes! I remember when……!” And the dancing and singing along with an excessively loud, very large headed, animated character, whose best friend is a monkey commences.

And I smiled because it was confirmation that we packed the RIGHT things.

When we left Louisiana in November 2013 we, along with the help of some amazing friends and family, packed an entire 4 bedroom house into a 16x8x8 POD storage unit in about 9 hours. Many of the decisions about what came and stayed were not made by me. We left behind a sizable trash pile and even more sizable Goodwill pile.

I remember leaving that next morning and walking to the trash to drop off the last bag and seeing a few of the girls’ toys laying in the dirt. I starting picking them up and my little brother gently grabbed my arm and said, “Leave it sister. It’s time to go”. He correctly steered me away from the Goodwill pile. And I obediently went because (1) I have always been more practical than sentimental and (2) I had a very sick husband in Oklahoma anticipating another medical hurdle the following week.

Today, as we unload I’m looking for practical things like lamps, rakes, brooms, trash cans. These things didn’t make it to the POD and the list grows. But to see the joy in finding the microphone I am reminded that what matters did make it – Memories. I would likely never pick up the old garden shovel and reminisce about happier times but the Dora microphone (which has resounded through my house all morning) is another story.

Memories are what we need to keep. The rest is just “stuff”.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:19-21 NIV)